Hiya Reader!
Okay, I know "it could be worse" is not really what anyone wants to hear, but let me explain! I mean this less as, “Get out the lifejackets, this ship is going down!” and more, “We don't know the whole story yet.”
I’ve said it before, but apparently I think it needs repeating. We tend to think that if we don’t like an outcome, then the other (maybe any other) outcome would have been better. And while I can think of several outcomes from the past couple of weeks that would surely have been better than what we got, I still think it holds true.
And not to beat a dead horse made of sugar and spice, but when wishing for the other outcome it’s helpful to remember that it might not have been all that and a bag of chips, you know?
A long time ago I got a divorce. It was traumatic, naturally. It was messy and upsetting for everyone. And for years afterwards, I was haunted by this thing, this moment, that had occurred long before there was a house, or kids, or any kind of legal contract.
I was standing at the bottom of the stairs in that crappy little rental house next door to the apparent mafia boss. I was this close to ending the relationship. I remember actually voicing the words, "We’re done."
But we weren’t. We stayed together for another several years. And for a long time, after our breakup, I was swept up in tsunamis of regret. That scene at the bottom of the stairs would flash into my head, and I’d think "WHY? Why didn’t I leave then? I could have spared us all a lot of grief."
But was that true? Could I have spared us anything?
If you’re in a car accident, your first thought may be, "I wish I'd stopped to answer the damned phone - then I wouldn't have been at the intersection when that truck blew through a red light."
It's tempting to think you could have avoided calamity if you’d just… stopped to pet the cat, skipped the second encore, bought the more expensive version, waited for better weather. As though your choices could forestall catastrophe.
Which in some cases I suppose they might. I’m thinking here of, "I wish I’d waited until the check cleared, not had that last drink, read the safety instructions…" It’s not like we don’t make decisions that matter.
But how do we know that the alternative would have been so much better?
Too often choices seem binary. I’ll have the chicken, or I’ll have the fish. I’ll buy the Volvo, or I’ll buy the Prius. I’ll turn left or I’ll turn right. Which gives us the false sense that there is a right answer and a wrong answer. But if the chicken is dry, maybe the fish is over-seasoned. Maybe a motorcycle would suit you better than a car.
Maybe there is no best choice.
And maybe you will never know.
I went to a very small liberal arts college in Colorado. I almost went to a huge public university in Toronto. Did I make the right choice? There’s no way to know. Had I gone to the U of T my life would look totally different. Maybe it would be better.
Maybe there is no better.
It’s easy to spend a lot of time agonizing over the path forward. It’s in our nature to assume that the road not taken would have yielded better results, but that’s just wishful thinking.
Even if your brother made that other choice and look at how well things turned out for him. That’s not how life works. Ten people can follow the same path and not have the same outcome.
Here’s my revolutionary method for feeling OK about the choices I’ve made:
I practice gratitude. And not just for all the amazing things I’ve got going for me, though that too. I’m talking about gratitude for the misfortunes I’ve avoided.
I am ever grateful for the accidents that haven't befallen me. The funerals I haven't had to attend. The middle of the night phone calls I never received. The diagnosis that wasn't made. The father who didn't leave. The pill that wasn’t slipped into my drink. The blow that didn't land. The lawyers I haven't had to hire. The specialists who were never called in.
When I look at it that way, it appears that I have had the greatest of luck – the wind is ever at my back and fortune favors me every step of the way.
I’ve made some decisions that have led to difficulties. To losing money. To heartbreak. To hangovers. Would life have been better or easier if I’d chosen differently? Maybe, maybe not. But here I am.
As Yoda said, "Each choice, the branch of a tree is: what looked like a decision, is after only a pattern of growth."
And if you can’t take life advice from a fictional space alien guru, who the hell are you going to listen to?
xo, Julia
