Hiya Reader!
I was in conversation with my tattoo artist the other day when the topic of favored children came up. We’re both the youngest in our families, which we agreed is kind of a terrific spot when it comes to feeling loved. I know, I know. #notallyoungests
But every child who has a subsequent sibling must have suffered that feeling of being replaced. My own oldest walked into the delivery room with arms outstretched, ready to hold “her” baby, so maybe I’m already contradicting myself? But I believe that somewhere in her little psyche was the knowledge that she was going to have to share her pedestal.
We then talked about the jealousy that pervades families when one kid perceives that the other is more adored by one or all parents. My pal said something along the lines of, “Of course parents have favorites. Don’t you?” Keep in mind he was wielding a needle full of ink, so I was inclined to tell the truth, which is this: I love my children equally, but I love different things about them. I will sometimes say, “Today you are my favorite child!” But that’s usually based on one of them doing me a favor of some kind. So no, I do not have a favorite child. I adore them both inordinately and would be thrilled to be able to see them both daily.
My ego isn’t big enough to believe that my experience is a universal one, and I’ve seen people treat their children preferentially. I once almost dated a guy who had two kids, a boy and a girl. In our getting-to-know-you text conversations it was so apparent that he adored his daughter and was mostly annoyed with his son that I honestly couldn’t bring myself to meet him. I don’t know what that child’s issues were, but a father with a poor attitude was probably not helping.
In this culture at least, having a favorite child is taboo. But maybe it’s very common? I do know this: if you’ve got a favorite you’d do well to keep that information to yourself, because you can really mess your kids up if they begin to suspect. This is just another reason we should be raising children in groups, instead of in tiny units, IMO. Just because your mother likes your sister better than you doesn’t mean that your uncle or grandmother or cousin wouldn’t adore you. More people in your immediate vicinity = more chances to be loved.
I’m guessing that just as much as we don’t want to be the least adored child, no one ever wants to hear that they’re their child’s least favorite parent. Though honestly it’s got to be true at least some of the time. But for real, can we sum up human relationships so easily? There are things that I adore in all my loved ones, and traits I’d reconstruct given the chance. “Best” and “worst” seem unequal to the task of describing some of life’s most complicated associations.
We’ve unwittingly set ourselves up for this. It starts, as most bad habits do, in early childhood. For some reason we’re forever asking children what they like best: favorite color, favorite animal, favorite subject in school. In turn, kids are inclined to tell you about their best friend or their all-time favorite cartoon character, sports superstar, etc. We inundate their lives with the concept that someone or something is the tip-top, the zenith.
So maybe we should lay off this kind of language altogether. Wouldn’t it be just as easy to ask a kid what they love about school and which colors they like to wear and who they root for when they watch beach volleyball? Maybe we don’t have to introduce this zero sum attitude about life quite so early.
But back to favorite children, since apparently it’s a thing. I’m a huge fan of research, including the very unscientific kind. So I dug into Reddit, a fantastic rabbit hole for catching the zeitgeist, if not the absolute truth. The parents there mostly shared my experience; they love their kids equally but enjoy their different qualities - one is great to do craft projects with, another will play catch for hours. The dark underbelly of family dynamics is probably not showing up on community blogs, but at least I can see that there is commonality here.
Here’s the real question: What makes one kid more perfect in the eyes of a parent? Is the favorite child also the easiest? The one that most resembles the parent in personality? The one that likes the same pursuits? The one that least reminds you of your mean sister?
It’s not always easy to explain why you love the people you love. You know when you meet someone and it just clicks? And there are other people who set your teeth on edge and the reasons are petty at best? We just have our affinity circles. It happens with siblings, it happens with aunts and uncles and grandparents - it stands to reason that it would happen with kids. But according to common wisdom it’s not supposed to.
Here’s a thing I’d love to know but don’t know who or how to ask: Is there any way a less favored child could move up in the rankings? Would it help if they got better grades, or kept their bedrooms clean, or played sports? Because kids are generally aware of their perceived deficiencies. I think a lot of us spend a lot of time trying to please our parents, and it would be nice to know whether those efforts are worth the time and energy they consume.
So here’s an invitation to be part of my extremely unscientific survey! Do/did your parents have favorites? Do you? Hit reply and let me know. All answers to be kept in the vault of absolute secrecy, but I totally understand if this is an uncomfortable truth to tell.
Stay cool, enjoy the sun if you can, and have a terrific week.
xo, Julia
